Chapter 7: Despair

This is chapter seven Despair of the story I am writing.  If you liked Control, you should definitely give this one a shot. If you haven’t read Control go read it!.  I do apologize for the chapter being a week late, school work is piling up on me.This chapter doesn’t require an advisory warning. It was also an unplanned chapter. Hope you like it.  Any comments or concerns after you’re done reading; email me at thedcw1@hotmail.com

I was staring at my ceiling. I think I’d been staring at my ceiling for days or even weeks. I was shaken, I couldn’t even comprehend what I did. It was as if my brain couldn’t process what had happened. I spent all my time meditating, thinking about that night. Seeing the way I had taken apart the cops, greatly disturbed me. It was as if I was on a ride into hell and I couldn’t stop it and now there was nothing I could do about what I had done. It had happened and I had to live with myself. I had to live with myself after mutilating that little girl and the cops that tried to protect her. The girl who had lived had witnessed her friend get torn apart, and the following day, she had been on the news. She was speechless, she was covering her arms, and all she would say was “eyes….blue eyes”. I would have to keep track of the development on the story. I knew once she remembered me, I would have to leave and fade into the darkness. I guess I would have nothing to leave behind, Danni hadn’t spoken to me since she left that day, nor had I spoken to Eli. Unlike Danni though, Eli had tried to reach out to me, but I couldn’t face him. Eli sent me that night to kill thugs, lowlifes and the people who deserved it, but those officers and the two girls, they didn’t deserve it.

I wanted to blame him for what transpired but I knew I couldn’t because I bent to his will and I gave him control.  Although he hadn’t spoken since that night, I knew he was still there. I felt his presence inside of me, more than ever before, and I didn’t like it. He felt so corrupt and vile, he was like a darkness that I couldn’t rid myself of. He might have been silent, but his nefarious intentions weighed down the remaining pieces of my soul, causing abominable thoughts to seep into my consciousness. I wanted him gone, I wanted to rid myself from him forever. But I didn’t know how. I couldn’t fathom a solution that would simply remove his presence. Maybe…maybe I should just end it. I couldn’t stick a bullet through my head, but I could remove my heart. Grab at it and pull, pull it out of my body and leave a heartless, soulless corpse remaining. I was sure the world would be better off with one less grim reaper. I knew Danni would at least. Would she even miss me? I doubted it. I lied to her so much, and I kept having to lie to her, I couldn’t tell her I was the grim reaper. It wouldn’t make any sense to her unless I showed her my powers, breaking a bone and letting her watch the bone reassemble. She would fear me though, I knew I would be afraid if I were in her shoes. Then her imagination would take hold of her and perhaps she would start thinking about that night. The night I left her when she was most vulnerable. She would remember that night and how I disappeared, she would make the connection. She basically already had, although showing her my strength would give her proof and she would hate me forever. So maybe I should end it. Maybe there wasn’t anything to live for. I was crying, shedding tears of sorrow like a faucet that couldn’t turn off. Maybe it wasn’t the thugs who deserved to die, maybe it was me. Who am I to judge and call them lowlifes after the things I had done, the people I had slaughtered? I wished it wasn’t so, but I thought it was the only truth, my only remaining action. To plunge my hand through my chest and grip my heart. Then things would end. I wouldn’t have to think about him, worrying that one day he may take control again. I wouldn’t be a bother to Eli, a constant reminder of his dead grandmother. My fans would be crushed, but they wouldn’t be let down by their author just stopping his series after the first book. I wouldn’t be booed on the street. Danni would be free from my lies, and wouldn’t have to put up with my bullshit. I just couldn’t do this anymore, I couldn’t live on like this, knowing that any day, I might lose control and kill a child or…or…anyone. I shouldn’t kill anymore, that would just solve the problem.

I was meditating on the thoughts for a moment when the soul-crushing feeling of hunger surged through my body, jogging my memory as to why that couldn’t happen. I couldn’t live a life where I didn’t kill anyone, it wasn’t in my nature. I was born a merciless killer and that’s how I would have to die. For I was a grim reaper, and I don’t …wait. The other night, the girl who was trying to kill me said I had only recently turned? Did that mean I was changed into a reaper? I wished I had had the opportunity to talk with the girl, she might have been the enemy, but I only knew what Eli told me, and considering the lack of my heart eating, I didn’t think he knew everything about reapers.

My phone vibrated again in my pocket, and my thoughts ceased. I checked the phone and it showed Eli’s number as he called me for the twelfth time today. If I got rid of myself, he wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. I didn’t even understand why, we had only met that once, but he truly seemed like he cared for my wellbeing. First Danni, and now him? All I did was bring darkness into people’s lives… I introduced Danni to the wildlife, drugs, alcohol, and partying. Maybe, maybe I was to blame for what happened to her. None of that would have happened to her if she hadn’t been introduced to me. Damn, I had done this to her, hadn’t I? I should have never included someone into my life. I got in so deep with Danni and she was so fragile. I should have kept my distance from her, maybe I should have left with Celina and Tony, the vampires I had met. They could bear to be around me, and it didn’t matter if I made their lives worse because they weren’t really living. Danni, however, I should have kept her away.

I just couldn’t believe I let myself get so close with this one girl. I wish I could re-do the past and not get so attached. But it had happened, I messed up with her and now I had screwed with her life. She loved me and I repaid her with lies.

Yeah, it would be better if I did it, wouldn’t it? Just end it all, I needed to do it.
So I did it. I stabbed through my chest cavity and grabbed my heart. But as much as I wanted to pull, I couldn’t do it to myself. I began getting worried, is this him preventing me from killing myself? It was starting to feel like he was claiming my mind, like he owned me. I didn’t like it, but he felt like he was a master and I was a slave. His infernal thoughts and intentions were slowly taking control, and I felt like I had no freedom. I was losing it, whatever power or strength I had before, I was losing it and he was oppressing me. I felt as if he was my commander, my chief, my Hitler, and he shot down every chance of hope. Establishing that I was weak compared to him. I could no longer breathe and began gasping for air under what I believed was the weight of his power. He wanted me to himself, and lusted after me like I was his lover. But I knew better, he was darkness and darkness cannot love, only hate. He enticed me to kill so that I may be more like him. More like a demon.

I let go of my heart and dropped to the floor. I felt like I had lost, I couldn’t do anything any longer. I lost to this vile beast. I couldn’t kill myself. He wouldn’t let me. I thought I felt like shit before, but now it was even worse because now I knew I was stuck in my own personal hell.  I wished, I wished I could find the strength to overcome his tyrannical force, but I was pathetic.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket again, but I didn’t bother pulling it out. It didn’t make a difference, I wouldn’t reply or even read the message to see who it was. It didn’t matter who they were, nothing could change the way I felt. I stayed lying on the ground for what was probably hours, thinking about how trapped I was. No, trapped didn’t begin to explain it. I was imprisoned by his undying darkness, it was all I could see ahead of me, and I couldn’t forsee any luck in my future.

I was snapped back into reality with the sound of my front door blowing open from the locks being ripped from their bolts. Quickly, I was behind the intruder with my hand over their throat, jaw unhinged, ready to snap down on the intruder’s neck, when I realized he was Eli. I moved away from him quickly and realized how hastily I was ready to kill him. I couldn’t help it, but I began to cry, again I was moved and controlled by his darkness. I couldn’t control my own movements anymore. We stood there under the doorframe for a few moments when he guided me to my couch. It was as if he knew the layout to my apartment, which seemed a bit odd. But he was a sorcerer, so perhaps that was explanation enough. He said some words quietly under his breath and the door repaired itself momentarily.

“Seph.”

“Don’t call me that,” I snapped.

“Sorry, Erik, how can I help?” His voice was gentle but stern. He smiled at me, trying to re-assure me, but it had no effect on how I was currently feeling. I didn’t want him to see my tears any longer, so I stared down at the ground. With that, I succeeded in not being frustrated by his goofy grin.

“Leave, why are you hear?”

“To help you, Se…Erik, you know that. I bring you to the light, I think we’ll accomplish great things together. I know you’re feeling like crap with what happened that night, but you gotta understand you did some good as well. The amount of crime-related murders has gone down so much since that night.”  He rested his hand on my back, and started patting me as you would an infant.

I moved away from his touch, as if it felt gross to me. “I just had no control, I don’t want to lose it again.” Tears were still streaming from my eyes like rain water that wouldn’t cease, no matter how many times I tried.

”I can feel it, Erik, but I know you’re strong enough to fight it.” I might have not stopped my tears from falling, but I did raise my head to look at him. He knew about him? About the darkness that lived inside of me? How, and for how long? These were all questions that I needed to ask aloud, but I felt mute. Except it wasn’t him this time, in fact,I didn’t feel his evil at all, not even a slight curiosity.

“You can feel what Eli?”

“There’s something inside you, something evil that keeps me out, it’s why I can’t see you in my visions. Not because of the fact that you yourself are the harbinger of death, but because of that murkiness that resides inside you. Although my abuela saw you, which means somehow at some point we get rid of the darkness, or you control it.” He sounded so hopeful, but I wasn’t sure I believed it. I was shocked that he could feel him inside of me, but I was sure it wasn’t as it sounded. He moved in a bit closer to me on the couch and rested his hand on my knee. “Erik we can do this together, I know you’re feeling like shit right now, but we can do this together. We’ll destroy whatever it is, together.” He smiled again. I never realized how white his teeth were. “I won’t let it consume you.” He hugged me, which felt extremely weird, as I was only ever used to Danni hugging me. However, it felt good to let someone care for me, someone who knew who…what I  was. Although I still felt I couldn’t let him near me all that much, considering I’d almost killed him all of three times at this point.  The hug lasted a lot longer than I was comfortable with, be it may that any hug would be a lot longer than I would want it to be. I looked into his hazel eyes for an instant before I felt his lips upon mine.

I was in complete surprise and for a second I let him kiss me before I jumped away from his body. He stared at me in confusion, as I was now at the other end of the room. I wiped my lips with my wrist and stayed speechless. I hadn’t been expecting that from Eli whatsoever, I wasn’t sure what shocked me more. The fact that he did it or the fact that he might have thought that I wanted it. He was now on the couch alone, sitting down silent as a mouse.  After a few moments of silence, Eli’s face flushed and his Latino cheeks turned a bright red colour.

“I’m so sorry,” Eli said, now looking at his feet. I was beside him again on the couch in the blink of an eye. “I just thought, I don’t know.”

“Was this the reason why you want to help me so much?” I was getting upset, was he only so sincere because he wanted me sexually?

“No, no, I just, I don’t know. Maybe it was just the moment maybe? I don’t know.” He was still staring down at his feet. I couldn’t be there for him the way he wanted, I didn’t even think it would be possible. I was severely unavailable, and mentally I was already distraught. Although this situation served as a cheap distraction from him and his darkness, I couldn’t be preoccupied for long. I didn’t want Eli to get the wrong idea, I didn’t have feelings for him at all, I wasn’t even sure if I cared about him, much less if I had those feelings for him. I rested my hand on his back and started patting it, mimicking his own previous actions towards my despair.

“It’s fine, shit happens, even if I was interested, I couldn’t act on it. I need to deal with this darkness first.” Immediately, he raised his head and looked up at me. His blushing ceased and he had a sort of dopey smile on his face.

“Thanks, and don’t worry Erik, we’ll figure this out.”

 

Image from: http://weheartit.com/entry/group/2772573

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